Turn The Page ...
It has been a busy few weeks, with much upheaval in my domestic and personal life. For my Blog this has been a lack of online connectivity, so apologies for the silence ... no promises of regular posts yet, but I'm getting there.
Since 9th June 2009 I have officially been divorced, but I only found out about that this morning ... a few maudlin beers are on the cards later today.
Bye for now.
Haunted:
I have been quiet for the last couple of weeks, mainly because I have not been in a particularly good head space regarding Jenny, but also because I have taken time out from online activities to focus on real life. The job hunt goes ever on, with a few interviews and many applications ... none of which have drawn a positive result. I now see in the news that Restormel has the highest ratio of jobseekers per head of any area in the UK ... that makes me feel 100% better!
With Jenny there has been an impending sense of doom, like a dark storm approaching, and I have been in some seriously black depressive pits over the last fortnight. I had a visit to the counsellor last week, and she was slightly concerned that I had taken a backwards step, but also she was reassured that I am able to recognise this, and that I can grip fast to reality, even when reality is taking me places I would much rather not go to. However, last night I had a serious panic attack, brought on by a subconscious wave assailing me in my sleep ...
The spell with Jen is finally broken, the magic has just vanished and what we once had that was special ... that will never again be. This is not some presumption or belief, and nor is it some perverse element of wishful thinking, but I just know, as you sometimes do in these situations, and indeed I felt that last night Jenny breached that final trust, the one of physical fidelity. Jen has often tried to portray me as emotionally obtuse, lacking in empathy and awareness, and despite my protestations to the contrary we parted with her still believing this to be true. She could not have been more wrong in this regard, indeed it is my intense empathy and understanding that has allowed me to continue loving her through our travails, and to realise that she has been travelling a path beyond her control.
That empathy comes at a heavy price, one that I paid last night. I am in tune with Jenny emotionally and spiritually, so much so that sometimes I just feel her feelings. Last night I was hit by a shockwave of subconscious energy in my sleep, one of frustration and despair, defiance and anger, sadness and loss, spite and bitterness ... all of this just overwhelmed me for about three hours, and shocked me into a wakeful state. As I say, I know this to be the case, I felt this to be the case, and it is not necessary for any confirmation or reassurance to clarify things in my mind.
We are still married, she has a husband who constantly thinks of her, worries over her and loves her dearly, and she tramples over all that by doing this. I can't think of a word to describe how I feel, because betrayal is not the right word at all ... haunted might be a better way to describe my emotional and mental state right now. It took three hours to calm down from the psychic panic attack that gripped me.
For the last six months I have not realistically believed that things could go back to how they were, indeed they were obviously wrong, so I wouldn't want to go back to how things were. However, I had a passionate belief in the innate goodness that we had, that we shared, and also believed that the two people who we were may one day be able to make something new out of the wreckage of what we had. That can never happen now, because we are not those two people anymore, the special bond has now been tainted right across the spectrum.
Oh crap, all I want to do is cry ... and now I can think about it a bit more ... and that makes me even sadder, and makes me understand why I feel so haunted. For the last three or four weeks I have been feeling rather upbeat about life, with a dedicated approach to searching for work, looking towards, and making tentative plans for the future (the near future at least) and generally coming to convince myself that after six months of torment I am starting to get Jenny out of my system.
It isn't that my feelings for her are any less, or my love for her diminished in any way, but I have been able to feel around me, and I have come to understand that there is some world for me of which she is not an integral part. In short I have started to pull myself back together ... and then this. This inextricable connection to Jen, physical, emotional, spiritual ... even abstract, this binding of two into one just seeks to drag me right back into the heart of the maelstrom ... where will it all end?
It is clear that this has happened because there has been no closure, no settling of matters, and no final understanding and parting of the ways between us. The separation has been an interruption in the course of events, and this hiatus will not be resolved by a judge's decision and a piece of paper. This needs dealing with between the two of us, in private, and in our own way. I can't pretend to know just where Jenny is in all of this, but the flood of awareness that came to me last night ... well, clearly it isn't yet closed for Jenny either, because I can still feel her feelings, and can still feel her presence in the threads of what remains. She sent that to me, she was trying to tell me something, whatever that is, and I am unable to answer her in any way at all.
Haunted, yup, that just about sums it up for me right now.
Open your mind:
What a strange 24 hours it has been weather-wise, with a gale force wind blowing outside at the moment. Last night it was also very windy, with a lot of drizzly rain, and all this compares with yesterday lunchtime which was absolutely glorious, another sitting on the beach and thinking afternoon. And yesterday afternoon, sitting in the sun on the beach, I had an epiphanic realisation, one that showed me where I have been going so wrong in my life, and an explanation for the pain and heartache that seems to be my lot. I must give credit to Freddie, as it occurred whilst listening to Queen on my MP3 player - I'm not quite certain which song it was, maybe it was all of them over the last few months, but yesterday the answer came to me.
This was a very important realisation for me, because it really is a lesson learned, and an instruction to myself to never repeat the mistakes of the past. However, it is unlikely that the opportunity will ever arise whereby I can make use of this new found knowledge, but if it does, then I will certainly remember this moment at that point in time. So, what is it then? Well, when love goes so horribly wrong, as it has done for me of late, and as it has done in the past, who gets you through the tough times, who is there for you, and who helps you to pick yourself up again? Friends, obviously, and family too, but in general the people who have always been there for you, supposedly to the end (in the words of a Queen song)
So, what happens when your love and your best friend are one and the same person, when you have distanced yourself from friends and family for the sake of the one you love, in the name of love, and at the request of the one you love? What happens then, what do you do and who do you turn to? Whilst I instinctively knew this, it is exactly the position I am in now, as it also was ten years ago, but now I completely understand the position I am in and why I am in it. Jenny is/was my love, my family and my best friend, and so in the absence of one I am unable to turn to another for comfort.
Until two years ago my best friend and emotional rock was Lorraine, although I confess it was something of a one-way relationship, but as the boys' mum she would recognise the need for my sanity, to enable me to function almost normally around the boys. There was a time when she was completely the love of my life, and it took many years to get over this, but for the last ten years or so, until I chose Jenny, Lorraine was always there for me, as a person to talk with, to cry with or just a smile. Jen was unhappy that someone else could be my best friend, and insisted quite petulantly that it should be her instead. Thus it came to pass, although this respect was not returned, because at all times Grima was there, in the background, slating me, and she would say and do nothing to condemn these words. Is that how you deal with your best friends ... betray them when they are not around to stand up for themselves?
And Jenny also became family. I suppose she was always like a long lost sister, given the previous history and association with the family in general, but once married we were family: our families and children now became shared, extended, and everyone was in a big pot together, so to speak. My relationship with my brother had been non-existent for about nine years, and my own sister became more and more distant, especially once emigrated to Australia. So, Jenny became more than family, she became my ONLY family of any importance. There are also friends, my old and dear friends, for many differing reasons, but they were my friends nonetheless. But again, Jen was uncomfortable with my friendships with these people, and she would make her anxieties and concerns known to me: that friend was not really acceptable because he is gay, this one because she fancies you, her because you slept with her once twenty years ago and that family, well, you look and seem so at home in their home ... that won't do. Whoever my friends, whatever the association, it was always a problem for Jenny, and therefore I made a choice of Jenny over the friendship.
So, what is the lesson that I have learned? Well, friends and family are the most important thing in your life, more important even than love. The one you love may become family, and may even become your best friend, but this must never be at the expense of the other friends and family. If your friends and family are a problem for your love, then it is their problem, not yours, and you have no issues to deal with. Your problem becomes how to deal with an insecure love ... and the first thing to do is put up your defences! Eighteen years ago I met Lorraine, she became the love of my life, and also my best friend. We had children, we had friends, and family was never an issue for either of us (mothers in law aside!) It went wrong between us, partly because of my depression, but once the dust had settled she was still there for me, as a friend, as were other friends and family. It took me about seven years to get over the loss of the love, seven years of loneliness and heartache, and this is with the support of friends and family.
This time around, with Jenny, I have none of that support around me, mainly because she didn't want it to be there for me, and has sought to either drive it away, or get me to distance myself from it. She is terrible with friends, now that I come to think about it, because the way she has treated the relationship between her and her oldest and dearest friend would have me cringing in shame were I to even think about doing that. To Jenny friends are a one-way relationship ... everyone giving undivided time and attention to Jenny, at her beck and call, and expected to do what is demanded of them. I know where she gets this attitude from, who drives her to this, but one day soon he will be dead, and she will be cast adrift. Her friends may or may not wish to know at that time, because neglecting friendships does not guarantee that they will always be there for you.
So I will try to move forward, with the realisation that loves, friends and family are three separate entities, and must always be kept separate where required. People may cross over into other elements of this triangle, but that is not to eject other members of the sector ... people who are family must always remain family, come what may, and people who are friends must always remain friends, come what may. Love? Well, the answer is simple, and borne out of experience ... love comes and goes, with the passing of time, and you can love many different people. The feelings and experiences of love are vitally important for the soul, but the person you love is not ... one day there will be another, the love and experiences will be the same ... the old will be just so much history.
Words don't come easy ...
Most of this past weekend was spent in a dark pit of despondency, no doubt brought about by the impending divorce. Once again, on Friday I visited the solicitors, to complete some form or other, some missing stuff that they hadn't told me about previously.
They seem to make many incrementally small mistakes and omissions, whether it be something as simple as a date of birth, a mis-spelt name or some other detail, always there is the requirement to revisit the forms, on both our parts. The cynic in me believes that this is intentional, a way to charge Jen even more fees, and an opportunity for her to view me as 'costing her a fortune.'
It is to be remembered that Jenny wishes for this divorce, not I, that she instructed the solicitors, not I, and also that she was the one who wished that all contact be through them. At no point have I been responsible for any of this expense, yet in an email to the solicitors a couple of weeks ago Jenny stated that I was costing her a fortune ...
The hypocrisy of this position is astounding - Jenny accuses me of being a 'blame' person, that somehow anything that goes wrong must be blamed on another, and that I will not take responsibility for my own part in these wrongs. Yet here she is, initiating a legal process, and the ensuing cost is somehow my responsibility and fault!
Did she expect me to just accept these events, to go "Oh, you want a divorce? Okay then, I won't argue with that ... I'll just roll over, do as I am told and play dead." Of course I am not going to be like this, I have a marriage that I always wanted, to a woman that I love ... what sort of message would that send if I were to give up at the first hurdle? Or even the twentieth? My life and my future always led to this point, to this union, and I will not just let it be taken from me without a fight.
I'm a dedicated person, some may say stubborn, but stubbornness is all relative to your point of view. I don't want my marriage to end, will do whatever I can to save it (what bits are worth saving at least) and see no reason at all why I should change my mind. Just because Jen has changed her mind so often there is no reason for me to do likewise.
So, the deep, dark and depressing pit of a weekend had me spending a lot of time on the beach, in the sunshine, and pondering life in all its meanings. Would the world be a better place without me? I've been there before, it is not a good place to be, and I have come through the other side. But the utter futility still lingers, the sense of impotent helplessness, and with those come the dark thoughts.
I resolved to write yet another letter to Jenny, to say something else that may possibly get her to see me in a more positive light, and I made a start on it. I didn't get very far ... it feels as if I am wasting my breath and my time, butI will continue with it tonight to completion, and send it tomorrow. After all, we are still husband and wife, and I owe it to both of us to keep on trying ...
I'm still waiting.
This is turning into a diary of my divorce, and it does seem to be dragging on and on forever. Yesterday was no exception, with another email from Jenny's solicitor, informing me that the forms were still incomplete, and that I would need to spend more of my time collecting, filling and returning them. I find myself spending a lot of time on something that I don't want ... what a ludicrous situation.
The weather in Cornwall has been lovely for the last few days, warm and sunny, t-shirt weather, and I have had a few walks to the beach. Maybe one day I will check all the features and functions of Blogger, and see if I can post/link some photographs.
Not much else has happened ... I'm still waiting to hear about a start date for work, but I am keeping my chin up, so to speak, and the days are getting longer. Perhaps there are happy times ahead, who knows.
My heart will go on.
Yesterday the spark of hope went out, and my heart was sealed into its iron clad casket, because yesterday I received a letter from Jenny, via the solicitors, addressing the concerns I had asked be addressed directly by her. I had requested that she be brutally honest, and she was, and whilst it didn't make for pleasant reading, I know the words were her own.
One element of my anxieties was laid to rest, and this was a relief, and for that I thank her. It was a very personal and painful area for both of us, but at least in this there is closure. For the rest of it? Well, Hell would need to freeze over before I am convinced of Jen's attitude to relationships, and that that last two years, in her eyes at least, have been based on purely materialistic principles.
For the rest, the cynic and empathic person inside me says that most of it is nonsense, and that deep down she doesn't really mean what she has said. However, at this point in time it is important to recognise that these are the things that she believes in her head, so I have to take it all at face value.
There will come a day when Grima is no longer around, a day when the real Jenny, locked away against love, that Jenny will one day wake up again, and at that point I hope that she will look around, and look back, and recognise the loss that has happened now ... the loss and waste of two years that could have been better spent. I recognise my own failings, I pray that she will do the same.
Jenny, if you are reading this (now there would be a thing!) please know that I love you.
The twilight hour.
Yesterday was a terribly emotional day for me, the day when I simply accepted defeat, and just walked away from all that I had hoped for the future. I emailed Jenny's solicitor, and asked that copies of the papers required for Court be left for collection in the reception. I duly collected, signed and returned them, and went for a good cry.
I have no idea how long it will be between now and the Decree Absolute, but the papers will be delivered, a hearing date will be set, and we will get divorced. The end of the dreams we shared, the end of the development of us both as part of a couple, the end of love and the end of hope ... just two signatures is all it takes.
We had hoped to help each other to banish our demons from the past, to share our lives in harmony, to grow old together and to die together ... but sadly this is not to be. And all for what? A lack of communication, obscene levels of distrust on Jen's part, brought about by the scaremongering of Grima, a refusal to be honest and loyal, again brought about by distrust and past demons ... not even a willingness to just let go and trust to the future.
This divorce doesn't make things any better, it only delays the inevitable, and in the meantime ensures that the whole cycle will be repeated once again in Jen's next life. She will carry this forward as further confirmation of her feelings of victimhood, doubts to her self worth, and confirmation that there is no-one out there for her. I didn't pretend to be perfect, I didn't expect to be perfect, and neither did I believe that the marriage would be perfect. All I wanted to do was to love Jen, as my wife and as a person, and now that has been taken from me.
I'm a hollow person today, heart shrivelled and chilled, and I feel as though all the love I ever had to give has finally had its flame extinguished ... not overly dramatic, that is exactly how I feel today ... and all I can experience is extreme sadness. I feel sorry for Jenny, this is not really of her doing, but the damage from her past has left her blind to the light of the here and now. But I do love her still, I chose her for that single union I would make in my life, and that will never leave me. I wear that union around my finger, and it will be there until the end of my days.
