Open your mind:

What a strange 24 hours it has been weather-wise, with a gale force wind blowing outside at the moment. Last night it was also very windy, with a lot of drizzly rain, and all this compares with yesterday lunchtime which was absolutely glorious, another sitting on the beach and thinking afternoon. And yesterday afternoon, sitting in the sun on the beach, I had an epiphanic realisation, one that showed me where I have been going so wrong in my life, and an explanation for the pain and heartache that seems to be my lot. I must give credit to Freddie, as it occurred whilst listening to Queen on my MP3 player - I'm not quite certain which song it was, maybe it was all of them over the last few months, but yesterday the answer came to me.

This was a very important realisation for me, because it really is a lesson learned, and an instruction to myself to never repeat the mistakes of the past. However, it is unlikely that the opportunity will ever arise whereby I can make use of this new found knowledge, but if it does, then I will certainly remember this moment at that point in time. So, what is it then? Well, when love goes so horribly wrong, as it has done for me of late, and as it has done in the past, who gets you through the tough times, who is there for you, and who helps you to pick yourself up again? Friends, obviously, and family too, but in general the people who have always been there for you, supposedly to the end (in the words of a Queen song)

So, what happens when your love and your best friend are one and the same person, when you have distanced yourself from friends and family for the sake of the one you love, in the name of love, and at the request of the one you love? What happens then, what do you do and who do you turn to? Whilst I instinctively knew this, it is exactly the position I am in now, as it also was ten years ago, but now I completely understand the position I am in and why I am in it. Jenny is/was my love, my family and my best friend, and so in the absence of one I am unable to turn to another for comfort.

Until two years ago my best friend and emotional rock was Lorraine, although I confess it was something of a one-way relationship, but as the boys' mum she would recognise the need for my sanity, to enable me to function almost normally around the boys. There was a time when she was completely the love of my life, and it took many years to get over this, but for the last ten years or so, until I chose Jenny, Lorraine was always there for me, as a person to talk with, to cry with or just a smile. Jen was unhappy that someone else could be my best friend, and insisted quite petulantly that it should be her instead. Thus it came to pass, although this respect was not returned, because at all times Grima was there, in the background, slating me, and she would say and do nothing to condemn these words. Is that how you deal with your best friends ... betray them when they are not around to stand up for themselves?

And Jenny also became family. I suppose she was always like a long lost sister, given the previous history and association with the family in general, but once married we were family: our families and children now became shared, extended, and everyone was in a big pot together, so to speak. My relationship with my brother had been non-existent for about nine years, and my own sister became more and more distant, especially once emigrated to Australia. So, Jenny became more than family, she became my ONLY family of any importance. There are also friends, my old and dear friends, for many differing reasons, but they were my friends nonetheless. But again, Jen was uncomfortable with my friendships with these people, and she would make her anxieties and concerns known to me: that friend was not really acceptable because he is gay, this one because she fancies you, her because you slept with her once twenty years ago and that family, well, you look and seem so at home in their home ... that won't do. Whoever my friends, whatever the association, it was always a problem for Jenny, and therefore I made a choice of Jenny over the friendship.

So, what is the lesson that I have learned? Well, friends and family are the most important thing in your life, more important even than love. The one you love may become family, and may even become your best friend, but this must never be at the expense of the other friends and family. If your friends and family are a problem for your love, then it is their problem, not yours, and you have no issues to deal with. Your problem becomes how to deal with an insecure love ... and the first thing to do is put up your defences! Eighteen years ago I met Lorraine, she became the love of my life, and also my best friend. We had children, we had friends, and family was never an issue for either of us (mothers in law aside!) It went wrong between us, partly because of my depression, but once the dust had settled she was still there for me, as a friend, as were other friends and family. It took me about seven years to get over the loss of the love, seven years of loneliness and heartache, and this is with the support of friends and family.

This time around, with Jenny, I have none of that support around me, mainly because she didn't want it to be there for me, and has sought to either drive it away, or get me to distance myself from it. She is terrible with friends, now that I come to think about it, because the way she has treated the relationship between her and her oldest and dearest friend would have me cringing in shame were I to even think about doing that. To Jenny friends are a one-way relationship ... everyone giving undivided time and attention to Jenny, at her beck and call, and expected to do what is demanded of them. I know where she gets this attitude from, who drives her to this, but one day soon he will be dead, and she will be cast adrift. Her friends may or may not wish to know at that time, because neglecting friendships does not guarantee that they will always be there for you.

So I will try to move forward, with the realisation that loves, friends and family are three separate entities, and must always be kept separate where required. People may cross over into other elements of this triangle, but that is not to eject other members of the sector ... people who are family must always remain family, come what may, and people who are friends must always remain friends, come what may. Love? Well, the answer is simple, and borne out of experience ... love comes and goes, with the passing of time, and you can love many different people. The feelings and experiences of love are vitally important for the soul, but the person you love is not ... one day there will be another, the love and experiences will be the same ... the old will be just so much history.

Words don't come easy ...

Most of this past weekend was spent in a dark pit of despondency, no doubt brought about by the impending divorce. Once again, on Friday I visited the solicitors, to complete some form or other, some missing stuff that they hadn't told me about previously.

They seem to make many incrementally small mistakes and omissions, whether it be something as simple as a date of birth, a mis-spelt name or some other detail, always there is the requirement to revisit the forms, on both our parts. The cynic in me believes that this is intentional, a way to charge Jen even more fees, and an opportunity for her to view me as 'costing her a fortune.'

It is to be remembered that Jenny wishes for this divorce, not I, that she instructed the solicitors, not I, and also that she was the one who wished that all contact be through them. At no point have I been responsible for any of this expense, yet in an email to the solicitors a couple of weeks ago Jenny stated that I was costing her a fortune ...

The hypocrisy of this position is astounding - Jenny accuses me of being a 'blame' person, that somehow anything that goes wrong must be blamed on another, and that I will not take responsibility for my own part in these wrongs. Yet here she is, initiating a legal process, and the ensuing cost is somehow my responsibility and fault!

Did she expect me to just accept these events, to go "Oh, you want a divorce? Okay then, I won't argue with that ... I'll just roll over, do as I am told and play dead." Of course I am not going to be like this, I have a marriage that I always wanted, to a woman that I love ... what sort of message would that send if I were to give up at the first hurdle? Or even the twentieth? My life and my future always led to this point, to this union, and I will not just let it be taken from me without a fight.

I'm a dedicated person, some may say stubborn, but stubbornness is all relative to your point of view. I don't want my marriage to end, will do whatever I can to save it (what bits are worth saving at least) and see no reason at all why I should change my mind. Just because Jen has changed her mind so often there is no reason for me to do likewise.

So, the deep, dark and depressing pit of a weekend had me spending a lot of time on the beach, in the sunshine, and pondering life in all its meanings. Would the world be a better place without me? I've been there before, it is not a good place to be, and I have come through the other side. But the utter futility still lingers, the sense of impotent helplessness, and with those come the dark thoughts.

I resolved to write yet another letter to Jenny, to say something else that may possibly get her to see me in a more positive light, and I made a start on it. I didn't get very far ... it feels as if I am wasting my breath and my time, butI will continue with it tonight to completion, and send it tomorrow. After all, we are still husband and wife, and I owe it to both of us to keep on trying ...

I'm still waiting.

This is turning into a diary of my divorce, and it does seem to be dragging on and on forever. Yesterday was no exception, with another email from Jenny's solicitor, informing me that the forms were still incomplete, and that I would need to spend more of my time collecting, filling and returning them. I find myself spending a lot of time on something that I don't want ... what a ludicrous situation.

The weather in Cornwall has been lovely for the last few days, warm and sunny, t-shirt weather, and I have had a few walks to the beach. Maybe one day I will check all the features and functions of Blogger, and see if I can post/link some photographs.

Not much else has happened ... I'm still waiting to hear about a start date for work, but I am keeping my chin up, so to speak, and the days are getting longer. Perhaps there are happy times ahead, who knows.

My heart will go on.

Yesterday the spark of hope went out, and my heart was sealed into its iron clad casket, because yesterday I received a letter from Jenny, via the solicitors, addressing the concerns I had asked be addressed directly by her. I had requested that she be brutally honest, and she was, and whilst it didn't make for pleasant reading, I know the words were her own.

One element of my anxieties was laid to rest, and this was a relief, and for that I thank her. It was a very personal and painful area for both of us, but at least in this there is closure. For the rest of it? Well, Hell would need to freeze over before I am convinced of Jen's attitude to relationships, and that that last two years, in her eyes at least, have been based on purely materialistic principles.

For the rest, the cynic and empathic person inside me says that most of it is nonsense, and that deep down she doesn't really mean what she has said. However, at this point in time it is important to recognise that these are the things that she believes in her head, so I have to take it all at face value.

There will come a day when Grima is no longer around, a day when the real Jenny, locked away against love, that Jenny will one day wake up again, and at that point I hope that she will look around, and look back, and recognise the loss that has happened now ... the loss and waste of two years that could have been better spent. I recognise my own failings, I pray that she will do the same.

Jenny, if you are reading this (now there would be a thing!) please know that I love you.

The twilight hour.

Yesterday was a terribly emotional day for me, the day when I simply accepted defeat, and just walked away from all that I had hoped for the future. I emailed Jenny's solicitor, and asked that copies of the papers required for Court be left for collection in the reception. I duly collected, signed and returned them, and went for a good cry.

I have no idea how long it will be between now and the Decree Absolute, but the papers will be delivered, a hearing date will be set, and we will get divorced. The end of the dreams we shared, the end of the development of us both as part of a couple, the end of love and the end of hope ... just two signatures is all it takes.

We had hoped to help each other to banish our demons from the past, to share our lives in harmony, to grow old together and to die together ... but sadly this is not to be. And all for what? A lack of communication, obscene levels of distrust on Jen's part, brought about by the scaremongering of Grima, a refusal to be honest and loyal, again brought about by distrust and past demons ... not even a willingness to just let go and trust to the future.

This divorce doesn't make things any better, it only delays the inevitable, and in the meantime ensures that the whole cycle will be repeated once again in Jen's next life. She will carry this forward as further confirmation of her feelings of victimhood, doubts to her self worth, and confirmation that there is no-one out there for her. I didn't pretend to be perfect, I didn't expect to be perfect, and neither did I believe that the marriage would be perfect. All I wanted to do was to love Jen, as my wife and as a person, and now that has been taken from me.

I'm a hollow person today, heart shrivelled and chilled, and I feel as though all the love I ever had to give has finally had its flame extinguished ... not overly dramatic, that is exactly how I feel today ... and all I can experience is extreme sadness. I feel sorry for Jenny, this is not really of her doing, but the damage from her past has left her blind to the light of the here and now. But I do love her still, I chose her for that single union I would make in my life, and that will never leave me. I wear that union around my finger, and it will be there until the end of my days.

It's a beautiful day.

I had a very late night last night, up chatting to friends online until about 03:30, and consequently woke up late this morning ... oh, the shame of it all. Still, I'm awake now, slight headache for some unknown reason, but it's a beautiful day outside: brisk wind, but not too strong, bright sunshine, but not too bright, and a chill in the air, bracing but not too cold. Today is a day for feeling good ...

Once up and about I think I shall go for a walk to the beach, sit on the sitty stone, and look out to sea. I should not imagine much has changed at the beach, but it is now three days since I was last there, and I need to keep reminding myself that the beach, the cliffs and the waves were my primary motivation for returning to Cornwall. Jen was the reason I returned when I did, but the sea was the driving force that brought about the desire to move.

Strange thoughts running through my head this morning, residual thoughts from some equally strange dreams. A future is slowly materialising in my mind, nothing definite, but hazy shadows and outlines, images that have me alone once more, so I feel sure that this is an indication that things will start to improve over time. I only wish I knew some of the details of this future: when and where I will be working, who the important people in my life will be (apart from the children) and how my head and my heart will cope with the change.

But change happens, as a friend said " ... change is not linear ... " so I need to go with the flow, and accept whatever changes happen, and when they do. I have had this mindset before, but it has usually been accompanied by a slight degree of control over events. Now I am in at the deep end, struggling for sanity and emotional survival, and it may be a good idea to just let go, and let events take me where they will.

Today is a beautiful day.

Why can't we live together?

This state of limbo is really quite debilitating, both waiting for a specific confirmation for starting work, and also a definitive date for getting divorced. For the former I really need to get into some sort of daily routine, a reason to get up in the morning, a need to be actually 'doing' something and obviously the money would come in very handy as well.

Whilst there previously I actually enjoyed being there - not the best paid job in the world, but well paid for Cornwall, and the people were really friendly, supportive and generally a good crowd to be working with.

For the latter a job would also be a very welcome diversion, easing much of the anxiety, and also giving me something else to focus my energies and attention on. Yes, the divorce is inevitable, yes, whilst I don't wish for it the finality would be a welcome release, and yes, whilst I still burn a candle for Jen I realise that she is now lost to me.

I've done all the letter writing, the crying, the pleading and beating myself up over it. I have run through all the reasons and the what ifs, and I recognise that I have been here a few times before, although admittedly never in a marital situation. We get over it, obviously, else we would not be here to write about our experiences, but this does not make it any easier to bear. And of course, in matters of the heart who can honestly say that they have learnt the lesson well?

Not I, that's for sure, but I feel that I have now been a little bit hardened, the loss of not only a love and a dream, but also of a future that was actually visualised, one that was somehow more real than all of the others put together. I feel that I must now look to the past for some form of salvation, to the children, and also to the sibling family that I have recently started communicating with again after so many years of animosity.

Looking to the past gives an opportunity to re-establish some roots, to look back and come to understand, once more, just who I really am. I already know the answer to many of these questions, and understand that the problem still lies with other people accepting me for who I am. I allow all of these good things to either just walk away, or to be taken from me, and people know this of me. All I ask is that they do their bit to help me hang on to those things that I cherish the most.

Always On My mind.

Yesterday I received a letter from Jen's solicitor, which left me feeling both upbeat and downbeat at the same time. On the upside was the fact that she would agree to a meeting to discuss issues, but this was conditional on the meeting being in the presence of the solicitor. So, no privacy somewhat defeats the point of a private meeting, and therefore the positive became a negative. Also negative was the tone the solicitor took in the letter - in a nutshell the solicitor told me to ' ... sign and return the paperwork ... and just do as you are told ... !'

I don't like that one bit, all along I have been civil and polite, if a little obstinate and procrastinating, but this is also my marriage as well, and if I wish to stall for time, to attempt reconciliation, that is my right. However, I am pretty much resigned to the fact that it is going to happen anyway, as Jen is just so blind to the way she has been manipulated by Grima over the last two years, and indeed previously, but she will hear no wrong against him, and I can't force her to change her mind.

I'm not quite moving on yet, although I have started to move forwards. There is some vague and misty future there in front of me, I can't quite make it out, but some of the shadows are beckoning to a different light, and a different set of experiences. I am still waiting to hear about the job, at least waiting for a start date, and am also engaging in deep and meaningful conversations with some nice people online.

To sum up my current situation I would say I am back where I was before Jen and I got together ... it is all now a matter of turning a different corner, and continuing walking without looking back.

" ... you can't reach for the stars if you are forever looking at the ground, and you can't hope for the future if you are forever fearing the past ... "

Say A Little Prayer ...

Today I received an email from Jenny's solicitor, effectively 'reminding' me to be a little more prompt in completing and signing the relevant paperwork for submission to the court. I must confess to being very reluctant to do this, at least until now, because it has felt almost as if I am signing my own death warrant. Dramatics aside, I still rail against the idea of signing anything that will finalise the divorce that I do not want.

Still, the upshot of this is, and the news reaches me five days later at that, we are still married, at least legally if not practically. I cannot confess to feelings of either elation or despondency, rather it feels like a never ending battle of wills to see who will be the first to give way. I accept that it is futile attempting to actually save the marriage at this point, and am resigned to the fact that the divorce will happen. This is more to do with a belief that Jenny believes it is what she wants, that she believes it is the right thing, and if this is what she believes then I can't go against that.

I still think she is wrong to believe these things, but that is for her to realise, not me.

However, with this email also came the proposal of a thirty minute meeting that I have so long yearned for. This would take place in the solicitor's office, with them present, so if I am honest I do not think it will be worth having after all. That is saddening, as what I really wished for from a meeting was a heart to heart with Jen, to clear up misunderstandings, and to part in some form of civility and on reasonably good terms. Unfortunately that will not happen now, as whilst I asked for this meeting many times, I have now declined the offer, instead suggesting that Jenny emails me with her doubts and explanations. I ask only that she is honest and truthful in this ...

... to be continued ...

Back to life, back to reality?

Today is an interminably boring day, a hiatus at the end of a week when so much should have happened, may well have happened, but where all of the outcomes are so uncertain. I want to run up and down the road screaming "Tell me, tell me what happened, tell me anything at all!" I don't think that would be a particularly good idea because a) I'm not really a shouty person and b) the men with the white jackets could be waiting just around the corner.

So we have Saturday where nothing much is going to happen to ease the situation and the uncertainty, and Sunday when it is certain that nothing will happen either. It is raining and blowing outside, a typical Cornish winter's day, and so even the motivation for a walk to the beach is somewhat diminished. Yet I need to get out of this rut, to move forwards and upwards, and for that I need to be doing something, anything at all, and in the absence of all other options a walk to the beach is the most likely.

It is a state of mind that I must choose for this action: Do I go for a walk in the rain, or do I go for a walk and get wet? I think the former is the more optimistic of the two, and it sounds somehow cheerier ... I am sure someone will be along to correct me if I am wrong in this.

Be sure to come back and visit The Spiceskull Blog again sometime soon.

Going where others have boldly gone before ...

Someone on Facebook just gave a quote from the Bible, and it seems to sum up how I've been feeling these last few months:

"Hope deferred maketh the heart sick, but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life"

Good book, the Bible, I ought to read it again one day.

Stubbing out the dog-end of another day gone by ...

Lack of information is a terrible thing, especially in these days of high-speed and instant communication. It is now two days since the Court was supposed to decide whether or not to grant the divorce that Jenny was petitioning for, and at the moment I do not know whether or not we are still married. It is the weekend now, so the earliest I will know is Monday, barring a letter, 'phone call or something else between now and then.

However, I have a gut feeling that we are still married, and from this I can still draw hope. Whilst the union still exists there is always a chance, no matter how slim, that the marriage can be saved from destruction, and the long, slow path of reconciliation can begin. I don't think this is likely, but I remain optimistic about all things until such time as that optimism has no further use.

Yesterday ... all my troubles were still with me ... and not far away at all!

No news at all ... nothing from the Courts, nothing from the solicitor, nothing from Jenny. I did receive a letter from the Court which seemed to suggest that my request for adjournment would probably not be heard ... so right now I don't know if I am married or single ... what a pain in the bum.

The only ray of light was an email from my prospective employer, telling me that I had passed through all stages, so it is just a pre-appointment check now, and join the queue to get in the door. Cold comfort, welcome obviously, but not generating the excitement yesterday that it would have done had it arrived on any other day.

Still, one step in the future looks a little more settled, and that should also help me to cope with day-to-day issues, so things are looking one shade less black than I had anticipated.

Children and Facebook:

Something else that is not going to make me happy today - my 12-year old son is not going to be happy with me at all ...

A couple of weeks ago he registered with Facebook (against their age restriction rules - cheeky monkey) but generally I was okay with this. He is normally sensible and cautious, at least where potential dangers have been pointed out to him.

However, the rascally scamp decided it would be fun to put his mobile 'phone number up to his profile, and I told him to remove it immediately. He refused, he deleted me from his friend's list, and continued to act like an irresponsible and stroppy teenager.

I gave him a time-based ultimatum, then I would report him to Facebook for a breach of usage guidelines. He didn't back down, I reported him, and today his account has been disabled ... he will learn one day, and in the meantime I hope he understands that Dad only has his interests at heart, and that Dad still loves him.

The dreaded D-Day:

Today is the big day, D-Day, the day I have been dreading for months. Whilst the reality of the situation has only existed for the last five months, the legacy issues, the unaddressed problems, the lies and deceit, the lack of communication and understanding ... all of this has been hanging round our necks since the beginning, more than two years ago.

I'm not in a good space today, all thoughts are tainted with sadness, and all words I could use would be depressing in the extreme. I'm going to go and sit on the beach this afternoon ... gazing out on a flat and featureless surface ... dwindling into the distance ... that pretty much sums up where I am right now.

Tomorrow will be a new day, waking up to the carnage that has been visited on the relationship, and picking through the destruction and desolation, searching for something, anything at all that could possibly be salvaged.

How I feel right now ...

Right now there is only one word to describe how I am feeling: distraught. Goodnight folks. x

One day to go ...

Tomorrow is the 'big' day, the day I have been hoping will not arrive. Whilst quietly confident of my appeal to the Court for an adjournment, these things are by no means certain, so I will not make undue assumptions. This time tomorrow I could well be legally single, no longer married to the woman I love, and facing the prospect of coping with yet another shattered dream. To say I am not looking forward to tomorrow would be an understatement.

Still discovering the new technologies ...

Perhaps this is not so new, but it would seem that I have the facility to post straight to my Blog via email, and by extension this means I would also be able to do so from my mobile 'phone. Okay, I'm a bit slow on the uptake for this, but I think it is a really cool feature ...

Searching for motivation, and searching for a cause ...

Two days away from a divorce, and I am as nervous as hell. This is not a divorce that I want, so I am appealing to the Courts for an adjournment, and hoping that a direction is passed for mediation. It occurs to me that she has not even told me to my face that she wants a divorce, nor has she given any valid reasons ... only excuses!

This has all been about a lack of understanding and communication, and if I am honest we are both as much to blame. However, the ear for communication has always been open for my part, and I feel that my biggest failing in all of this is that I have not been as forthright as perhaps I should have been.

The last few months have been traumatic in the extreme, leaving me emotionally and mentally crippled. I have found it nearly impossible to function in a normal daily routine, am trapped in an entropic limbo, and am unable, at this time, to simply put one foot in front of the other and move forward. I will get over it, eventually, and I will start to function once again ... I guess that it is just a big excuse, but until Wednesday has been (or not, if my appeal succeeds) I am unable to have any 'closing point' to use as an anchor for my forward moving.

I'm an emotional chap, very loyal in the extreme, and believe that marriage is a scared thing. It is certainly not something to be abandoned on a whim, and the feeling that I am experiencing most strongly at the moment is a sense of futile disappointment. I am fighting hard to hang onto the marriage, despite all the damage, because I believe so strongly that love will help us to overcome all that has happened so far ... my other half however believes that it is acceptable to just give up after the first hiccup.