Turn The Page ...

It has been a busy few weeks, with much upheaval in my domestic and personal life. For my Blog this has been a lack of online connectivity, so apologies for the silence ... no promises of regular posts yet, but I'm getting there.

Since 9th June 2009 I have officially been divorced, but I only found out about that this morning ... a few maudlin beers are on the cards later today.

Bye for now.

Haunted:

I have been quiet for the last couple of weeks, mainly because I have not been in a particularly good head space regarding Jenny, but also because I have taken time out from online activities to focus on real life. The job hunt goes ever on, with a few interviews and many applications ... none of which have drawn a positive result. I now see in the news that Restormel has the highest ratio of jobseekers per head of any area in the UK ... that makes me feel 100% better!

With Jenny there has been an impending sense of doom, like a dark storm approaching, and I have been in some seriously black depressive pits over the last fortnight. I had a visit to the counsellor last week, and she was slightly concerned that I had taken a backwards step, but also she was reassured that I am able to recognise this, and that I can grip fast to reality, even when reality is taking me places I would much rather not go to. However, last night I had a serious panic attack, brought on by a subconscious wave assailing me in my sleep ...

The spell with Jen is finally broken, the magic has just vanished and what we once had that was special ... that will never again be. This is not some presumption or belief, and nor is it some perverse element of wishful thinking, but I just know, as you sometimes do in these situations, and indeed I felt that last night Jenny breached that final trust, the one of physical fidelity. Jen has often tried to portray me as emotionally obtuse, lacking in empathy and awareness, and despite my protestations to the contrary we parted with her still believing this to be true. She could not have been more wrong in this regard, indeed it is my intense empathy and understanding that has allowed me to continue loving her through our travails, and to realise that she has been travelling a path beyond her control.

That empathy comes at a heavy price, one that I paid last night. I am in tune with Jenny emotionally and spiritually, so much so that sometimes I just feel her feelings. Last night I was hit by a shockwave of subconscious energy in my sleep, one of frustration and despair, defiance and anger, sadness and loss, spite and bitterness ... all of this just overwhelmed me for about three hours, and shocked me into a wakeful state. As I say, I know this to be the case, I felt this to be the case, and it is not necessary for any confirmation or reassurance to clarify things in my mind.

We are still married, she has a husband who constantly thinks of her, worries over her and loves her dearly, and she tramples over all that by doing this. I can't think of a word to describe how I feel, because betrayal is not the right word at all ... haunted might be a better way to describe my emotional and mental state right now. It took three hours to calm down from the psychic panic attack that gripped me.

For the last six months I have not realistically believed that things could go back to how they were, indeed they were obviously wrong, so I wouldn't want to go back to how things were. However, I had a passionate belief in the innate goodness that we had, that we shared, and also believed that the two people who we were may one day be able to make something new out of the wreckage of what we had. That can never happen now, because we are not those two people anymore, the special bond has now been tainted right across the spectrum.

Oh crap, all I want to do is cry ... and now I can think about it a bit more ... and that makes me even sadder, and makes me understand why I feel so haunted. For the last three or four weeks I have been feeling rather upbeat about life, with a dedicated approach to searching for work, looking towards, and making tentative plans for the future (the near future at least) and generally coming to convince myself that after six months of torment I am starting to get Jenny out of my system.

It isn't that my feelings for her are any less, or my love for her diminished in any way, but I have been able to feel around me, and I have come to understand that there is some world for me of which she is not an integral part. In short I have started to pull myself back together ... and then this. This inextricable connection to Jen, physical, emotional, spiritual ... even abstract, this binding of two into one just seeks to drag me right back into the heart of the maelstrom ... where will it all end?

It is clear that this has happened because there has been no closure, no settling of matters, and no final understanding and parting of the ways between us. The separation has been an interruption in the course of events, and this hiatus will not be resolved by a judge's decision and a piece of paper. This needs dealing with between the two of us, in private, and in our own way. I can't pretend to know just where Jenny is in all of this, but the flood of awareness that came to me last night ... well, clearly it isn't yet closed for Jenny either, because I can still feel her feelings, and can still feel her presence in the threads of what remains. She sent that to me, she was trying to tell me something, whatever that is, and I am unable to answer her in any way at all.

Haunted, yup, that just about sums it up for me right now.

Open your mind:

What a strange 24 hours it has been weather-wise, with a gale force wind blowing outside at the moment. Last night it was also very windy, with a lot of drizzly rain, and all this compares with yesterday lunchtime which was absolutely glorious, another sitting on the beach and thinking afternoon. And yesterday afternoon, sitting in the sun on the beach, I had an epiphanic realisation, one that showed me where I have been going so wrong in my life, and an explanation for the pain and heartache that seems to be my lot. I must give credit to Freddie, as it occurred whilst listening to Queen on my MP3 player - I'm not quite certain which song it was, maybe it was all of them over the last few months, but yesterday the answer came to me.

This was a very important realisation for me, because it really is a lesson learned, and an instruction to myself to never repeat the mistakes of the past. However, it is unlikely that the opportunity will ever arise whereby I can make use of this new found knowledge, but if it does, then I will certainly remember this moment at that point in time. So, what is it then? Well, when love goes so horribly wrong, as it has done for me of late, and as it has done in the past, who gets you through the tough times, who is there for you, and who helps you to pick yourself up again? Friends, obviously, and family too, but in general the people who have always been there for you, supposedly to the end (in the words of a Queen song)

So, what happens when your love and your best friend are one and the same person, when you have distanced yourself from friends and family for the sake of the one you love, in the name of love, and at the request of the one you love? What happens then, what do you do and who do you turn to? Whilst I instinctively knew this, it is exactly the position I am in now, as it also was ten years ago, but now I completely understand the position I am in and why I am in it. Jenny is/was my love, my family and my best friend, and so in the absence of one I am unable to turn to another for comfort.

Until two years ago my best friend and emotional rock was Lorraine, although I confess it was something of a one-way relationship, but as the boys' mum she would recognise the need for my sanity, to enable me to function almost normally around the boys. There was a time when she was completely the love of my life, and it took many years to get over this, but for the last ten years or so, until I chose Jenny, Lorraine was always there for me, as a person to talk with, to cry with or just a smile. Jen was unhappy that someone else could be my best friend, and insisted quite petulantly that it should be her instead. Thus it came to pass, although this respect was not returned, because at all times Grima was there, in the background, slating me, and she would say and do nothing to condemn these words. Is that how you deal with your best friends ... betray them when they are not around to stand up for themselves?

And Jenny also became family. I suppose she was always like a long lost sister, given the previous history and association with the family in general, but once married we were family: our families and children now became shared, extended, and everyone was in a big pot together, so to speak. My relationship with my brother had been non-existent for about nine years, and my own sister became more and more distant, especially once emigrated to Australia. So, Jenny became more than family, she became my ONLY family of any importance. There are also friends, my old and dear friends, for many differing reasons, but they were my friends nonetheless. But again, Jen was uncomfortable with my friendships with these people, and she would make her anxieties and concerns known to me: that friend was not really acceptable because he is gay, this one because she fancies you, her because you slept with her once twenty years ago and that family, well, you look and seem so at home in their home ... that won't do. Whoever my friends, whatever the association, it was always a problem for Jenny, and therefore I made a choice of Jenny over the friendship.

So, what is the lesson that I have learned? Well, friends and family are the most important thing in your life, more important even than love. The one you love may become family, and may even become your best friend, but this must never be at the expense of the other friends and family. If your friends and family are a problem for your love, then it is their problem, not yours, and you have no issues to deal with. Your problem becomes how to deal with an insecure love ... and the first thing to do is put up your defences! Eighteen years ago I met Lorraine, she became the love of my life, and also my best friend. We had children, we had friends, and family was never an issue for either of us (mothers in law aside!) It went wrong between us, partly because of my depression, but once the dust had settled she was still there for me, as a friend, as were other friends and family. It took me about seven years to get over the loss of the love, seven years of loneliness and heartache, and this is with the support of friends and family.

This time around, with Jenny, I have none of that support around me, mainly because she didn't want it to be there for me, and has sought to either drive it away, or get me to distance myself from it. She is terrible with friends, now that I come to think about it, because the way she has treated the relationship between her and her oldest and dearest friend would have me cringing in shame were I to even think about doing that. To Jenny friends are a one-way relationship ... everyone giving undivided time and attention to Jenny, at her beck and call, and expected to do what is demanded of them. I know where she gets this attitude from, who drives her to this, but one day soon he will be dead, and she will be cast adrift. Her friends may or may not wish to know at that time, because neglecting friendships does not guarantee that they will always be there for you.

So I will try to move forward, with the realisation that loves, friends and family are three separate entities, and must always be kept separate where required. People may cross over into other elements of this triangle, but that is not to eject other members of the sector ... people who are family must always remain family, come what may, and people who are friends must always remain friends, come what may. Love? Well, the answer is simple, and borne out of experience ... love comes and goes, with the passing of time, and you can love many different people. The feelings and experiences of love are vitally important for the soul, but the person you love is not ... one day there will be another, the love and experiences will be the same ... the old will be just so much history.

Words don't come easy ...

Most of this past weekend was spent in a dark pit of despondency, no doubt brought about by the impending divorce. Once again, on Friday I visited the solicitors, to complete some form or other, some missing stuff that they hadn't told me about previously.

They seem to make many incrementally small mistakes and omissions, whether it be something as simple as a date of birth, a mis-spelt name or some other detail, always there is the requirement to revisit the forms, on both our parts. The cynic in me believes that this is intentional, a way to charge Jen even more fees, and an opportunity for her to view me as 'costing her a fortune.'

It is to be remembered that Jenny wishes for this divorce, not I, that she instructed the solicitors, not I, and also that she was the one who wished that all contact be through them. At no point have I been responsible for any of this expense, yet in an email to the solicitors a couple of weeks ago Jenny stated that I was costing her a fortune ...

The hypocrisy of this position is astounding - Jenny accuses me of being a 'blame' person, that somehow anything that goes wrong must be blamed on another, and that I will not take responsibility for my own part in these wrongs. Yet here she is, initiating a legal process, and the ensuing cost is somehow my responsibility and fault!

Did she expect me to just accept these events, to go "Oh, you want a divorce? Okay then, I won't argue with that ... I'll just roll over, do as I am told and play dead." Of course I am not going to be like this, I have a marriage that I always wanted, to a woman that I love ... what sort of message would that send if I were to give up at the first hurdle? Or even the twentieth? My life and my future always led to this point, to this union, and I will not just let it be taken from me without a fight.

I'm a dedicated person, some may say stubborn, but stubbornness is all relative to your point of view. I don't want my marriage to end, will do whatever I can to save it (what bits are worth saving at least) and see no reason at all why I should change my mind. Just because Jen has changed her mind so often there is no reason for me to do likewise.

So, the deep, dark and depressing pit of a weekend had me spending a lot of time on the beach, in the sunshine, and pondering life in all its meanings. Would the world be a better place without me? I've been there before, it is not a good place to be, and I have come through the other side. But the utter futility still lingers, the sense of impotent helplessness, and with those come the dark thoughts.

I resolved to write yet another letter to Jenny, to say something else that may possibly get her to see me in a more positive light, and I made a start on it. I didn't get very far ... it feels as if I am wasting my breath and my time, butI will continue with it tonight to completion, and send it tomorrow. After all, we are still husband and wife, and I owe it to both of us to keep on trying ...

I'm still waiting.

This is turning into a diary of my divorce, and it does seem to be dragging on and on forever. Yesterday was no exception, with another email from Jenny's solicitor, informing me that the forms were still incomplete, and that I would need to spend more of my time collecting, filling and returning them. I find myself spending a lot of time on something that I don't want ... what a ludicrous situation.

The weather in Cornwall has been lovely for the last few days, warm and sunny, t-shirt weather, and I have had a few walks to the beach. Maybe one day I will check all the features and functions of Blogger, and see if I can post/link some photographs.

Not much else has happened ... I'm still waiting to hear about a start date for work, but I am keeping my chin up, so to speak, and the days are getting longer. Perhaps there are happy times ahead, who knows.

My heart will go on.

Yesterday the spark of hope went out, and my heart was sealed into its iron clad casket, because yesterday I received a letter from Jenny, via the solicitors, addressing the concerns I had asked be addressed directly by her. I had requested that she be brutally honest, and she was, and whilst it didn't make for pleasant reading, I know the words were her own.

One element of my anxieties was laid to rest, and this was a relief, and for that I thank her. It was a very personal and painful area for both of us, but at least in this there is closure. For the rest of it? Well, Hell would need to freeze over before I am convinced of Jen's attitude to relationships, and that that last two years, in her eyes at least, have been based on purely materialistic principles.

For the rest, the cynic and empathic person inside me says that most of it is nonsense, and that deep down she doesn't really mean what she has said. However, at this point in time it is important to recognise that these are the things that she believes in her head, so I have to take it all at face value.

There will come a day when Grima is no longer around, a day when the real Jenny, locked away against love, that Jenny will one day wake up again, and at that point I hope that she will look around, and look back, and recognise the loss that has happened now ... the loss and waste of two years that could have been better spent. I recognise my own failings, I pray that she will do the same.

Jenny, if you are reading this (now there would be a thing!) please know that I love you.

The twilight hour.

Yesterday was a terribly emotional day for me, the day when I simply accepted defeat, and just walked away from all that I had hoped for the future. I emailed Jenny's solicitor, and asked that copies of the papers required for Court be left for collection in the reception. I duly collected, signed and returned them, and went for a good cry.

I have no idea how long it will be between now and the Decree Absolute, but the papers will be delivered, a hearing date will be set, and we will get divorced. The end of the dreams we shared, the end of the development of us both as part of a couple, the end of love and the end of hope ... just two signatures is all it takes.

We had hoped to help each other to banish our demons from the past, to share our lives in harmony, to grow old together and to die together ... but sadly this is not to be. And all for what? A lack of communication, obscene levels of distrust on Jen's part, brought about by the scaremongering of Grima, a refusal to be honest and loyal, again brought about by distrust and past demons ... not even a willingness to just let go and trust to the future.

This divorce doesn't make things any better, it only delays the inevitable, and in the meantime ensures that the whole cycle will be repeated once again in Jen's next life. She will carry this forward as further confirmation of her feelings of victimhood, doubts to her self worth, and confirmation that there is no-one out there for her. I didn't pretend to be perfect, I didn't expect to be perfect, and neither did I believe that the marriage would be perfect. All I wanted to do was to love Jen, as my wife and as a person, and now that has been taken from me.

I'm a hollow person today, heart shrivelled and chilled, and I feel as though all the love I ever had to give has finally had its flame extinguished ... not overly dramatic, that is exactly how I feel today ... and all I can experience is extreme sadness. I feel sorry for Jenny, this is not really of her doing, but the damage from her past has left her blind to the light of the here and now. But I do love her still, I chose her for that single union I would make in my life, and that will never leave me. I wear that union around my finger, and it will be there until the end of my days.

It's a beautiful day.

I had a very late night last night, up chatting to friends online until about 03:30, and consequently woke up late this morning ... oh, the shame of it all. Still, I'm awake now, slight headache for some unknown reason, but it's a beautiful day outside: brisk wind, but not too strong, bright sunshine, but not too bright, and a chill in the air, bracing but not too cold. Today is a day for feeling good ...

Once up and about I think I shall go for a walk to the beach, sit on the sitty stone, and look out to sea. I should not imagine much has changed at the beach, but it is now three days since I was last there, and I need to keep reminding myself that the beach, the cliffs and the waves were my primary motivation for returning to Cornwall. Jen was the reason I returned when I did, but the sea was the driving force that brought about the desire to move.

Strange thoughts running through my head this morning, residual thoughts from some equally strange dreams. A future is slowly materialising in my mind, nothing definite, but hazy shadows and outlines, images that have me alone once more, so I feel sure that this is an indication that things will start to improve over time. I only wish I knew some of the details of this future: when and where I will be working, who the important people in my life will be (apart from the children) and how my head and my heart will cope with the change.

But change happens, as a friend said " ... change is not linear ... " so I need to go with the flow, and accept whatever changes happen, and when they do. I have had this mindset before, but it has usually been accompanied by a slight degree of control over events. Now I am in at the deep end, struggling for sanity and emotional survival, and it may be a good idea to just let go, and let events take me where they will.

Today is a beautiful day.

Why can't we live together?

This state of limbo is really quite debilitating, both waiting for a specific confirmation for starting work, and also a definitive date for getting divorced. For the former I really need to get into some sort of daily routine, a reason to get up in the morning, a need to be actually 'doing' something and obviously the money would come in very handy as well.

Whilst there previously I actually enjoyed being there - not the best paid job in the world, but well paid for Cornwall, and the people were really friendly, supportive and generally a good crowd to be working with.

For the latter a job would also be a very welcome diversion, easing much of the anxiety, and also giving me something else to focus my energies and attention on. Yes, the divorce is inevitable, yes, whilst I don't wish for it the finality would be a welcome release, and yes, whilst I still burn a candle for Jen I realise that she is now lost to me.

I've done all the letter writing, the crying, the pleading and beating myself up over it. I have run through all the reasons and the what ifs, and I recognise that I have been here a few times before, although admittedly never in a marital situation. We get over it, obviously, else we would not be here to write about our experiences, but this does not make it any easier to bear. And of course, in matters of the heart who can honestly say that they have learnt the lesson well?

Not I, that's for sure, but I feel that I have now been a little bit hardened, the loss of not only a love and a dream, but also of a future that was actually visualised, one that was somehow more real than all of the others put together. I feel that I must now look to the past for some form of salvation, to the children, and also to the sibling family that I have recently started communicating with again after so many years of animosity.

Looking to the past gives an opportunity to re-establish some roots, to look back and come to understand, once more, just who I really am. I already know the answer to many of these questions, and understand that the problem still lies with other people accepting me for who I am. I allow all of these good things to either just walk away, or to be taken from me, and people know this of me. All I ask is that they do their bit to help me hang on to those things that I cherish the most.

Always On My mind.

Yesterday I received a letter from Jen's solicitor, which left me feeling both upbeat and downbeat at the same time. On the upside was the fact that she would agree to a meeting to discuss issues, but this was conditional on the meeting being in the presence of the solicitor. So, no privacy somewhat defeats the point of a private meeting, and therefore the positive became a negative. Also negative was the tone the solicitor took in the letter - in a nutshell the solicitor told me to ' ... sign and return the paperwork ... and just do as you are told ... !'

I don't like that one bit, all along I have been civil and polite, if a little obstinate and procrastinating, but this is also my marriage as well, and if I wish to stall for time, to attempt reconciliation, that is my right. However, I am pretty much resigned to the fact that it is going to happen anyway, as Jen is just so blind to the way she has been manipulated by Grima over the last two years, and indeed previously, but she will hear no wrong against him, and I can't force her to change her mind.

I'm not quite moving on yet, although I have started to move forwards. There is some vague and misty future there in front of me, I can't quite make it out, but some of the shadows are beckoning to a different light, and a different set of experiences. I am still waiting to hear about the job, at least waiting for a start date, and am also engaging in deep and meaningful conversations with some nice people online.

To sum up my current situation I would say I am back where I was before Jen and I got together ... it is all now a matter of turning a different corner, and continuing walking without looking back.

" ... you can't reach for the stars if you are forever looking at the ground, and you can't hope for the future if you are forever fearing the past ... "

Say A Little Prayer ...

Today I received an email from Jenny's solicitor, effectively 'reminding' me to be a little more prompt in completing and signing the relevant paperwork for submission to the court. I must confess to being very reluctant to do this, at least until now, because it has felt almost as if I am signing my own death warrant. Dramatics aside, I still rail against the idea of signing anything that will finalise the divorce that I do not want.

Still, the upshot of this is, and the news reaches me five days later at that, we are still married, at least legally if not practically. I cannot confess to feelings of either elation or despondency, rather it feels like a never ending battle of wills to see who will be the first to give way. I accept that it is futile attempting to actually save the marriage at this point, and am resigned to the fact that the divorce will happen. This is more to do with a belief that Jenny believes it is what she wants, that she believes it is the right thing, and if this is what she believes then I can't go against that.

I still think she is wrong to believe these things, but that is for her to realise, not me.

However, with this email also came the proposal of a thirty minute meeting that I have so long yearned for. This would take place in the solicitor's office, with them present, so if I am honest I do not think it will be worth having after all. That is saddening, as what I really wished for from a meeting was a heart to heart with Jen, to clear up misunderstandings, and to part in some form of civility and on reasonably good terms. Unfortunately that will not happen now, as whilst I asked for this meeting many times, I have now declined the offer, instead suggesting that Jenny emails me with her doubts and explanations. I ask only that she is honest and truthful in this ...

... to be continued ...

Back to life, back to reality?

Today is an interminably boring day, a hiatus at the end of a week when so much should have happened, may well have happened, but where all of the outcomes are so uncertain. I want to run up and down the road screaming "Tell me, tell me what happened, tell me anything at all!" I don't think that would be a particularly good idea because a) I'm not really a shouty person and b) the men with the white jackets could be waiting just around the corner.

So we have Saturday where nothing much is going to happen to ease the situation and the uncertainty, and Sunday when it is certain that nothing will happen either. It is raining and blowing outside, a typical Cornish winter's day, and so even the motivation for a walk to the beach is somewhat diminished. Yet I need to get out of this rut, to move forwards and upwards, and for that I need to be doing something, anything at all, and in the absence of all other options a walk to the beach is the most likely.

It is a state of mind that I must choose for this action: Do I go for a walk in the rain, or do I go for a walk and get wet? I think the former is the more optimistic of the two, and it sounds somehow cheerier ... I am sure someone will be along to correct me if I am wrong in this.

Be sure to come back and visit The Spiceskull Blog again sometime soon.

Going where others have boldly gone before ...

Someone on Facebook just gave a quote from the Bible, and it seems to sum up how I've been feeling these last few months:

"Hope deferred maketh the heart sick, but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life"

Good book, the Bible, I ought to read it again one day.

Stubbing out the dog-end of another day gone by ...

Lack of information is a terrible thing, especially in these days of high-speed and instant communication. It is now two days since the Court was supposed to decide whether or not to grant the divorce that Jenny was petitioning for, and at the moment I do not know whether or not we are still married. It is the weekend now, so the earliest I will know is Monday, barring a letter, 'phone call or something else between now and then.

However, I have a gut feeling that we are still married, and from this I can still draw hope. Whilst the union still exists there is always a chance, no matter how slim, that the marriage can be saved from destruction, and the long, slow path of reconciliation can begin. I don't think this is likely, but I remain optimistic about all things until such time as that optimism has no further use.

Yesterday ... all my troubles were still with me ... and not far away at all!

No news at all ... nothing from the Courts, nothing from the solicitor, nothing from Jenny. I did receive a letter from the Court which seemed to suggest that my request for adjournment would probably not be heard ... so right now I don't know if I am married or single ... what a pain in the bum.

The only ray of light was an email from my prospective employer, telling me that I had passed through all stages, so it is just a pre-appointment check now, and join the queue to get in the door. Cold comfort, welcome obviously, but not generating the excitement yesterday that it would have done had it arrived on any other day.

Still, one step in the future looks a little more settled, and that should also help me to cope with day-to-day issues, so things are looking one shade less black than I had anticipated.

Children and Facebook:

Something else that is not going to make me happy today - my 12-year old son is not going to be happy with me at all ...

A couple of weeks ago he registered with Facebook (against their age restriction rules - cheeky monkey) but generally I was okay with this. He is normally sensible and cautious, at least where potential dangers have been pointed out to him.

However, the rascally scamp decided it would be fun to put his mobile 'phone number up to his profile, and I told him to remove it immediately. He refused, he deleted me from his friend's list, and continued to act like an irresponsible and stroppy teenager.

I gave him a time-based ultimatum, then I would report him to Facebook for a breach of usage guidelines. He didn't back down, I reported him, and today his account has been disabled ... he will learn one day, and in the meantime I hope he understands that Dad only has his interests at heart, and that Dad still loves him.

The dreaded D-Day:

Today is the big day, D-Day, the day I have been dreading for months. Whilst the reality of the situation has only existed for the last five months, the legacy issues, the unaddressed problems, the lies and deceit, the lack of communication and understanding ... all of this has been hanging round our necks since the beginning, more than two years ago.

I'm not in a good space today, all thoughts are tainted with sadness, and all words I could use would be depressing in the extreme. I'm going to go and sit on the beach this afternoon ... gazing out on a flat and featureless surface ... dwindling into the distance ... that pretty much sums up where I am right now.

Tomorrow will be a new day, waking up to the carnage that has been visited on the relationship, and picking through the destruction and desolation, searching for something, anything at all that could possibly be salvaged.

How I feel right now ...

Right now there is only one word to describe how I am feeling: distraught. Goodnight folks. x

One day to go ...

Tomorrow is the 'big' day, the day I have been hoping will not arrive. Whilst quietly confident of my appeal to the Court for an adjournment, these things are by no means certain, so I will not make undue assumptions. This time tomorrow I could well be legally single, no longer married to the woman I love, and facing the prospect of coping with yet another shattered dream. To say I am not looking forward to tomorrow would be an understatement.

Still discovering the new technologies ...

Perhaps this is not so new, but it would seem that I have the facility to post straight to my Blog via email, and by extension this means I would also be able to do so from my mobile 'phone. Okay, I'm a bit slow on the uptake for this, but I think it is a really cool feature ...

Searching for motivation, and searching for a cause ...

Two days away from a divorce, and I am as nervous as hell. This is not a divorce that I want, so I am appealing to the Courts for an adjournment, and hoping that a direction is passed for mediation. It occurs to me that she has not even told me to my face that she wants a divorce, nor has she given any valid reasons ... only excuses!

This has all been about a lack of understanding and communication, and if I am honest we are both as much to blame. However, the ear for communication has always been open for my part, and I feel that my biggest failing in all of this is that I have not been as forthright as perhaps I should have been.

The last few months have been traumatic in the extreme, leaving me emotionally and mentally crippled. I have found it nearly impossible to function in a normal daily routine, am trapped in an entropic limbo, and am unable, at this time, to simply put one foot in front of the other and move forward. I will get over it, eventually, and I will start to function once again ... I guess that it is just a big excuse, but until Wednesday has been (or not, if my appeal succeeds) I am unable to have any 'closing point' to use as an anchor for my forward moving.

I'm an emotional chap, very loyal in the extreme, and believe that marriage is a scared thing. It is certainly not something to be abandoned on a whim, and the feeling that I am experiencing most strongly at the moment is a sense of futile disappointment. I am fighting hard to hang onto the marriage, despite all the damage, because I believe so strongly that love will help us to overcome all that has happened so far ... my other half however believes that it is acceptable to just give up after the first hiccup.

Moving on ...

Tuesday's visit to the Counsellor was fine ... all things present and correct, and yours truly making good progress. Emotional knocks are incredibly difficult to recover from, primarily because you find yourself in a state of denial about the situation you are in. Once you recognise the knock for what it is, recognise that further efforts are mainly futile, and realise that you have 'been here before,' things start to get a little easier, and you can take the first step to recovery.

For me that was about eight weeks ago, but taking that first step is incredibly hard: your feet are stuck to the ground as if held by treacle, and the effort is paralysing. You know you want to do it, you know you need to do it, but you are in such an entropic state that 'tomorrow' is always the preferred option. Still, I'm getting there, slowly, and just being here is a help ... to write about it, to express my feelings ... that is a part of the healing process.

I'll think of something more interesting to write next time, less moribund, and without the company of Maude and Lynne. Those two ladies seem to hang around a lot when you are down, watching your every move, castigating you for every optimistic thought. Harridans, the pair of them ...

Dealing with issues ...

I have a session with my counsellor this morning, one that has been rescheduled, as the previous appointment was cancelled due to the (very rare) snow we had in Cornwall three weeks ago.

This is ongoing therapy, to help me deal with depression and issues of self-confidence, mainly brought about by the separation from my wife Jenny, and the pending divorce, but dealing with depression is also a legacy issue from my past. It isn't nice, and it isn't pretty, but once you can accept that you suffer from depression, managing and coping with it does become somewhat easier.

For sure, some people just don't 'do depression,' and whilst this is a rather callous viewpoint, it is hard for anyone who has not experienced depression to a) understand it and b) realise just what a devastating blow it can deal to you. For those people I sincerely hope that they never need to experience the loneliness and futility that it brings, but I do ask that they recognise that 'invisible' illnesses are often the hardest to bear.

Over the years I have come to realise that depression is always with me, no matter what I do or what drugs I take. However, just being aware of this allows me to recognise the symptoms of the onset of a depressive episode, and I can then make allowances to cope with it for the following few weeks. Sometimes it is a day or two, sometimes a few weeks, but the effects on my life are always the same.

If life is being kind to me, then a single bad day does not cause too much trouble, but if life is being cruddy, with many things going wrong, then it seems so much easier to fall back into the retreat and solitude of a depressive state, because here I can hide behind my walls ... and no-one can touch me.

Oh well, I guess I had better be going to the doctor's now.

Google AdSense ...

Well,

I found out what the problem was, and typically it was nothing to do with Google at all ... they seem to still hold true to the 'Do No Evil' ethos, and I love them for it.

No, the problem was my own preferences for browsing, specifically with Firefox, and more specifically an abject loathing of all the adverts on Facebook. Damn, they are annoying, so annoying in fact that I had the AdBlock plug-in installled ... and what is Google AdSense all about ... ?

Cue the process to contact support, and one of the final questions about ' ... what ad-blocking software do you have installed ...?' Kerrchinngg!

Sometimes we can be too smart for our own good. Still, that is now sorted, I expect to see some Google Ads on this Blog at some time, but for now I am off for a beer or two.

Saturday Night

I'll get into the hang of Blogging daily, or even more frequently than that ... honest!

Still waiting to hear about returning to my old place of work with HMRC. Interviews last week, which went very well, and back in yesterday for some work assessment tests. Why oh why can't these things all be done in a single appointment?

Still, I should hear next week. Also bugging me is my attempt to activate Google AdSense to this Blog (not that it will be highly visited, but hey, a few pennies will never be refused) I signed up, got the activation email, and I am desperately trying to find a way to enter my details as required ... there are no fields or boxes, just a blank page.

This would not be so bad, but Blogger keeps telling me I need to activate the account ... and we go round in never-ending circles. Today I have been chatting with Jake, my eldest, but Liam has not been online because he is no longer talking to me. That could have something to do with the fact that I reported him to Facebook for being underage. The cheeky little monkey put his mobile number to his profile, and would not delete it when I told him to.

Children should learn to do as they are told by their parents, especially in areas where online safety is a major concern. He will learn ... and he will add me back to his friends list ... once he is out of his teenage temper tantrum.

Do I really have a Blogspot?

In all the excitement of the last couple of years, what with moving, marrying, divorcing, changing jobs and the like, as well as the advent of Facebook and Twitter, I had completely forgotten that I ever started a Blog. Granted, there was not much content, but the intention was there.

Perhaps I will continue, now that I have found the bookmark again, and it is a truism that a Blog will always be that little bit more personal than some notes and comments on Facebook.

So, I'm in for some testing tomorrow, to return to my old job. This was left due to personal reasons, domestics that really did require a lot of my time and attention, but I do hope to be back at work sometime in the next couple of weeks.

It's quite late now, so I will consider catching up over the weekend, rediscovering my own personal Blogspot, and generally doing whatever it is that Bloggers are supposed to do. After all, other people are Blogging, why the hell aren't I?

Smelly Belly