Open your mind:

What a strange 24 hours it has been weather-wise, with a gale force wind blowing outside at the moment. Last night it was also very windy, with a lot of drizzly rain, and all this compares with yesterday lunchtime which was absolutely glorious, another sitting on the beach and thinking afternoon. And yesterday afternoon, sitting in the sun on the beach, I had an epiphanic realisation, one that showed me where I have been going so wrong in my life, and an explanation for the pain and heartache that seems to be my lot. I must give credit to Freddie, as it occurred whilst listening to Queen on my MP3 player - I'm not quite certain which song it was, maybe it was all of them over the last few months, but yesterday the answer came to me.

This was a very important realisation for me, because it really is a lesson learned, and an instruction to myself to never repeat the mistakes of the past. However, it is unlikely that the opportunity will ever arise whereby I can make use of this new found knowledge, but if it does, then I will certainly remember this moment at that point in time. So, what is it then? Well, when love goes so horribly wrong, as it has done for me of late, and as it has done in the past, who gets you through the tough times, who is there for you, and who helps you to pick yourself up again? Friends, obviously, and family too, but in general the people who have always been there for you, supposedly to the end (in the words of a Queen song)

So, what happens when your love and your best friend are one and the same person, when you have distanced yourself from friends and family for the sake of the one you love, in the name of love, and at the request of the one you love? What happens then, what do you do and who do you turn to? Whilst I instinctively knew this, it is exactly the position I am in now, as it also was ten years ago, but now I completely understand the position I am in and why I am in it. Jenny is/was my love, my family and my best friend, and so in the absence of one I am unable to turn to another for comfort.

Until two years ago my best friend and emotional rock was Lorraine, although I confess it was something of a one-way relationship, but as the boys' mum she would recognise the need for my sanity, to enable me to function almost normally around the boys. There was a time when she was completely the love of my life, and it took many years to get over this, but for the last ten years or so, until I chose Jenny, Lorraine was always there for me, as a person to talk with, to cry with or just a smile. Jen was unhappy that someone else could be my best friend, and insisted quite petulantly that it should be her instead. Thus it came to pass, although this respect was not returned, because at all times Grima was there, in the background, slating me, and she would say and do nothing to condemn these words. Is that how you deal with your best friends ... betray them when they are not around to stand up for themselves?

And Jenny also became family. I suppose she was always like a long lost sister, given the previous history and association with the family in general, but once married we were family: our families and children now became shared, extended, and everyone was in a big pot together, so to speak. My relationship with my brother had been non-existent for about nine years, and my own sister became more and more distant, especially once emigrated to Australia. So, Jenny became more than family, she became my ONLY family of any importance. There are also friends, my old and dear friends, for many differing reasons, but they were my friends nonetheless. But again, Jen was uncomfortable with my friendships with these people, and she would make her anxieties and concerns known to me: that friend was not really acceptable because he is gay, this one because she fancies you, her because you slept with her once twenty years ago and that family, well, you look and seem so at home in their home ... that won't do. Whoever my friends, whatever the association, it was always a problem for Jenny, and therefore I made a choice of Jenny over the friendship.

So, what is the lesson that I have learned? Well, friends and family are the most important thing in your life, more important even than love. The one you love may become family, and may even become your best friend, but this must never be at the expense of the other friends and family. If your friends and family are a problem for your love, then it is their problem, not yours, and you have no issues to deal with. Your problem becomes how to deal with an insecure love ... and the first thing to do is put up your defences! Eighteen years ago I met Lorraine, she became the love of my life, and also my best friend. We had children, we had friends, and family was never an issue for either of us (mothers in law aside!) It went wrong between us, partly because of my depression, but once the dust had settled she was still there for me, as a friend, as were other friends and family. It took me about seven years to get over the loss of the love, seven years of loneliness and heartache, and this is with the support of friends and family.

This time around, with Jenny, I have none of that support around me, mainly because she didn't want it to be there for me, and has sought to either drive it away, or get me to distance myself from it. She is terrible with friends, now that I come to think about it, because the way she has treated the relationship between her and her oldest and dearest friend would have me cringing in shame were I to even think about doing that. To Jenny friends are a one-way relationship ... everyone giving undivided time and attention to Jenny, at her beck and call, and expected to do what is demanded of them. I know where she gets this attitude from, who drives her to this, but one day soon he will be dead, and she will be cast adrift. Her friends may or may not wish to know at that time, because neglecting friendships does not guarantee that they will always be there for you.

So I will try to move forward, with the realisation that loves, friends and family are three separate entities, and must always be kept separate where required. People may cross over into other elements of this triangle, but that is not to eject other members of the sector ... people who are family must always remain family, come what may, and people who are friends must always remain friends, come what may. Love? Well, the answer is simple, and borne out of experience ... love comes and goes, with the passing of time, and you can love many different people. The feelings and experiences of love are vitally important for the soul, but the person you love is not ... one day there will be another, the love and experiences will be the same ... the old will be just so much history.