Most of this past weekend was spent in a dark pit of despondency, no doubt brought about by the impending divorce. Once again, on Friday I visited the solicitors, to complete some form or other, some missing stuff that they hadn't told me about previously.
They seem to make many incrementally small mistakes and omissions, whether it be something as simple as a date of birth, a mis-spelt name or some other detail, always there is the requirement to revisit the forms, on both our parts. The cynic in me believes that this is intentional, a way to charge Jen even more fees, and an opportunity for her to view me as 'costing her a fortune.'
It is to be remembered that Jenny wishes for this divorce, not I, that she instructed the solicitors, not I, and also that she was the one who wished that all contact be through them. At no point have I been responsible for any of this expense, yet in an email to the solicitors a couple of weeks ago Jenny stated that I was costing her a fortune ...
The hypocrisy of this position is astounding - Jenny accuses me of being a 'blame' person, that somehow anything that goes wrong must be blamed on another, and that I will not take responsibility for my own part in these wrongs. Yet here she is, initiating a legal process, and the ensuing cost is somehow my responsibility and fault!
Did she expect me to just accept these events, to go "Oh, you want a divorce? Okay then, I won't argue with that ... I'll just roll over, do as I am told and play dead." Of course I am not going to be like this, I have a marriage that I always wanted, to a woman that I love ... what sort of message would that send if I were to give up at the first hurdle? Or even the twentieth? My life and my future always led to this point, to this union, and I will not just let it be taken from me without a fight.
I'm a dedicated person, some may say stubborn, but stubbornness is all relative to your point of view. I don't want my marriage to end, will do whatever I can to save it (what bits are worth saving at least) and see no reason at all why I should change my mind. Just because Jen has changed her mind so often there is no reason for me to do likewise.
So, the deep, dark and depressing pit of a weekend had me spending a lot of time on the beach, in the sunshine, and pondering life in all its meanings. Would the world be a better place without me? I've been there before, it is not a good place to be, and I have come through the other side. But the utter futility still lingers, the sense of impotent helplessness, and with those come the dark thoughts.
I resolved to write yet another letter to Jenny, to say something else that may possibly get her to see me in a more positive light, and I made a start on it. I didn't get very far ... it feels as if I am wasting my breath and my time, butI will continue with it tonight to completion, and send it tomorrow. After all, we are still husband and wife, and I owe it to both of us to keep on trying ...
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