Why can't we live together?

This state of limbo is really quite debilitating, both waiting for a specific confirmation for starting work, and also a definitive date for getting divorced. For the former I really need to get into some sort of daily routine, a reason to get up in the morning, a need to be actually 'doing' something and obviously the money would come in very handy as well.

Whilst there previously I actually enjoyed being there - not the best paid job in the world, but well paid for Cornwall, and the people were really friendly, supportive and generally a good crowd to be working with.

For the latter a job would also be a very welcome diversion, easing much of the anxiety, and also giving me something else to focus my energies and attention on. Yes, the divorce is inevitable, yes, whilst I don't wish for it the finality would be a welcome release, and yes, whilst I still burn a candle for Jen I realise that she is now lost to me.

I've done all the letter writing, the crying, the pleading and beating myself up over it. I have run through all the reasons and the what ifs, and I recognise that I have been here a few times before, although admittedly never in a marital situation. We get over it, obviously, else we would not be here to write about our experiences, but this does not make it any easier to bear. And of course, in matters of the heart who can honestly say that they have learnt the lesson well?

Not I, that's for sure, but I feel that I have now been a little bit hardened, the loss of not only a love and a dream, but also of a future that was actually visualised, one that was somehow more real than all of the others put together. I feel that I must now look to the past for some form of salvation, to the children, and also to the sibling family that I have recently started communicating with again after so many years of animosity.

Looking to the past gives an opportunity to re-establish some roots, to look back and come to understand, once more, just who I really am. I already know the answer to many of these questions, and understand that the problem still lies with other people accepting me for who I am. I allow all of these good things to either just walk away, or to be taken from me, and people know this of me. All I ask is that they do their bit to help me hang on to those things that I cherish the most.