The twilight hour.

Yesterday was a terribly emotional day for me, the day when I simply accepted defeat, and just walked away from all that I had hoped for the future. I emailed Jenny's solicitor, and asked that copies of the papers required for Court be left for collection in the reception. I duly collected, signed and returned them, and went for a good cry.

I have no idea how long it will be between now and the Decree Absolute, but the papers will be delivered, a hearing date will be set, and we will get divorced. The end of the dreams we shared, the end of the development of us both as part of a couple, the end of love and the end of hope ... just two signatures is all it takes.

We had hoped to help each other to banish our demons from the past, to share our lives in harmony, to grow old together and to die together ... but sadly this is not to be. And all for what? A lack of communication, obscene levels of distrust on Jen's part, brought about by the scaremongering of Grima, a refusal to be honest and loyal, again brought about by distrust and past demons ... not even a willingness to just let go and trust to the future.

This divorce doesn't make things any better, it only delays the inevitable, and in the meantime ensures that the whole cycle will be repeated once again in Jen's next life. She will carry this forward as further confirmation of her feelings of victimhood, doubts to her self worth, and confirmation that there is no-one out there for her. I didn't pretend to be perfect, I didn't expect to be perfect, and neither did I believe that the marriage would be perfect. All I wanted to do was to love Jen, as my wife and as a person, and now that has been taken from me.

I'm a hollow person today, heart shrivelled and chilled, and I feel as though all the love I ever had to give has finally had its flame extinguished ... not overly dramatic, that is exactly how I feel today ... and all I can experience is extreme sadness. I feel sorry for Jenny, this is not really of her doing, but the damage from her past has left her blind to the light of the here and now. But I do love her still, I chose her for that single union I would make in my life, and that will never leave me. I wear that union around my finger, and it will be there until the end of my days.