I have a session with my counsellor this morning, one that has been rescheduled, as the previous appointment was cancelled due to the (very rare) snow we had in Cornwall three weeks ago.
This is ongoing therapy, to help me deal with depression and issues of self-confidence, mainly brought about by the separation from my wife Jenny, and the pending divorce, but dealing with depression is also a legacy issue from my past. It isn't nice, and it isn't pretty, but once you can accept that you suffer from depression, managing and coping with it does become somewhat easier.
For sure, some people just don't 'do depression,' and whilst this is a rather callous viewpoint, it is hard for anyone who has not experienced depression to a) understand it and b) realise just what a devastating blow it can deal to you. For those people I sincerely hope that they never need to experience the loneliness and futility that it brings, but I do ask that they recognise that 'invisible' illnesses are often the hardest to bear.
Over the years I have come to realise that depression is always with me, no matter what I do or what drugs I take. However, just being aware of this allows me to recognise the symptoms of the onset of a depressive episode, and I can then make allowances to cope with it for the following few weeks. Sometimes it is a day or two, sometimes a few weeks, but the effects on my life are always the same.
If life is being kind to me, then a single bad day does not cause too much trouble, but if life is being cruddy, with many things going wrong, then it seems so much easier to fall back into the retreat and solitude of a depressive state, because here I can hide behind my walls ... and no-one can touch me.
Oh well, I guess I had better be going to the doctor's now.
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